Guys, I’m not sure about this Witcher fella.

When we started this (lifestyle)blog, I didn’t know what it would be about. All I had was an unreasonable desire to make fun of things like Goop and a pocket full of dreams. So far, it looks like it’s gonna be about what I’ve been reading.¹ 

Since you listen to the podcast, you know I started to — try — to read The Last Wish, the first of The Witcher series, at the beginning of the year. I was ready to buy into this Witcher hype, throw him coins, or something.

Now, I have the first two games for pc, but never played them nor bothered to buy the third. Also, I could watch the Netflix show with everyone else. I don’t know why I really wanted to read the books first.

Problems arose early. 

I want to tell you it started when we watched The Shining for the pod(cast). An intense researcher for these movies², I naturally put down The Last Wish and read The Shining then Doctor Sleep — just to be sure. The podcast recorded, I was in a grove. I read The Outsiders, Misery, and It. 

I want to blame it on Stephen King, but the problem started before that. I’d already put down The Last Wish once before to read a bunch of Cowboy novels.

My problem with The Witcher books, is they’re hard to read. Here’s an excerpt I took from the publisher’s website:

The mare flattened her ears against her skull and snorted, throwing up earth with her hooves; she didn’t want to go. Geralt didn’t calm her with the Sign; he jumped from the saddle and threw the reins over the horse’s head. He no longer had his old sword in its lizard-skin sheath on his back; its place was filled with a shining, beautiful weapon with a cruciform and slender, well-weighted hilt, ending in a spherical pommel made of white metal.

You may ask yourself, why are there so many semicolons? The obvious Vonnegut quote³ and Cormac McCarthey’s outspoken views on punctuation aside, the semicolons aren’t the only problem. But in this brief excerpt, they show what I’m getting at, I find the sentence construction of the entire collection too dense for no reason. The dialogue’s not so hot either.

I’m sure you know these books were originally in Polish, a language I know almost nothing substantial about. Though I admire their sausage. 

I have to assume my issues with the text are with translation and the translator’s grammar choices. 

I’m biassed, but as an example here’s how I think that the last sentence in the excerpt should read:

He no longer had his old sword in its lizard-skin sheath on his back. In its place was a beautiful weapon, shining with a cruciform and slender, well-weighted hilt, ending in a spherical pommel made of white metal.

Maybe I’ll pick The Last Wish up on audiobook, where semicolons hopefully sound like periods.

1. For those whore care: I’m not reading any novels right now, I haven’t decided if I’m going to finish The Last Wish or pick something else up. I am reading a short-story collection, Practical Magic by Kelly Link. I’m also picking through the Robots in Disguise collections and re-reading Lone Wolf and Cub. I’m about to start listening to The Last Wish on audiobook.
2. A blatant lie.
3. “Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.” – Kurt Vonnegut