There’s a pandemic going on, and my family’s doing Dungeons and Dragons about it. 

Let’s face it, ain’t no one going on vacation this summer. Well, people are, but I don’t know that they should. We’re not, and it’s not only because we can’t afford it this year. Instead, I’m taking my children to a land of elves and pixies, satyrs, fencing raccoons, rats masquerading as unspeakable horrors. My wife is also forced to play.

I think I’m probably only a passable dungeon master – at best – but there’s a couple of things I’ve done and printouts I’ve made to make the game easier to play for my younger kids. I’ll talk about that stuff never. 

First, like any Dungeon Master who’s inevitably spent more time preparing than playing, I want to say some things about the world I (sorta) thought up and the characters my family created to screw it up.

One important thing to know, this campaign starts off and (probably/maybe/we’ll see what they do) in the Faerie Lands, or they Fey Wild depending on your preference. Why? It’s an excellent excuse for making things extra weird with the strangest explanations, and everyone just nods and smiles. There’s a pandemic on; I wanted to have fun.

If you don’t know what the Faerie Lands are, I’m disappointed in you.

My version serves as the Plane of Faerie for an older Dungeons and Dragons game that I won’t talk about because who cares. It follows the traditional idea of Faerie. There are four ruling courts in Faerie, each based on a different season. In this case, it’s more accurate to think of them more as nobility or lesser kingdoms since the entire land is ostensibly ruled by the Elven Kingdom of Around, which sort of makes sure the seasons are in check… when they feel like it.

Look, there’s a lot I’m not gonna get to here. 

The most important bit is the King of Around has dicked off to who knows where and his regent has exciting new ideas about how the Four Courts should be run and controlled.

That’s where my family’s new characters come in. They’ve joined the new regiment of territorial knights who will bring peace and justice¹ to all corners of the four courts. Their captain, as new trainees, is “Big” Billy Wee’One the Dwarf-Faire Paladin (he’s a bit of a drunk and layabout). They’re also joined by their fellow trainee Tabaxin the anthropomorphic raccoon, a former imaginary friend who’s seeing a bit of fun and adventure after his kid grew up and discovered boys.  

It quickly becomes apparent their division under “Big” Billy may not be accidental or even equitable when they meet the other trainees. A group of all-male Eladrin² led by the most pompous of the Kingdom’s captain’s, Thad’ucious 

Their training turns out to be a competition of sorts when it’s revealed whoever scores the highest on the various scenario-based exams gets their pick of first assignments.

To cut things shorts, scenarios I designed I hoped would teach them some basic roleplay and investigation abilities. I used Tabaxin (their raccoon trainee) to lead them around a bit and teach them. He was designed to die in the “boss battle” at the end, but my kids ended up being more creative and better rollers than I expected, and so he lived to see them triumph over Thad’ucious and accompany them to their next mission at the village of the Dogemen.

———

1. As far as they know

2. Cheeky High-Elves